Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Christmas Message from the Right Hon M. Go, secretary of Rural Affairs, the post-Brexit Dogging Agency

People of Britain, you have spoken and you shall not speak again: you have elected to place the dogging community and those who practice the dogging lifestyle at the centre of national life and post-Brexit regeneration. As the poet imagines:

fences impearled with natural oils from budding tools,
fast comforts of the dogging sites of Global Britain.

Let me tell you how I intend to further your lusty desires once we have repatriated our laws (did you see what I did there? I used a word that the National Front used to use about people, but I’m using it in a Brexity sort of way, which has nothing to do with racism, nothing at all!). Designated dogging sites are a rariety, except in Sussex, Kent and on the Wirral, and we plan to make such areas as plentiful and opulent as ordinary beauty spots. And what beauties have I spotted, hiding behind my bumper to watch the dogging community and those who practice the dogging lifestyle in rich action! As the poet also said:

You stuck out a mile in the Ladyboys of Bognor,
bigging yourself up in Bignor like you owned the place.
You’d be walking the South Downs Way, believe me,

after wild frenzy with Tom of Findon -
or with a femdom Alpha bitch in Fulking Dungeon,
nettle-thrashing you, Unworthy of Worthing!

Of course, not being part of the dogging community or those who practice the dogging lifestyle, I can only wonder,

            Like a man filming his wife taking a selfie
of her silvered face in sylvan Windsor Park.

‘This is such a pleasant spot to stain with pleasure:

the picnic tables, the rustic spread, the chorus of wasps
around the bin,’ the Rake from Hell remarks, pulling
his vest back on but feeling well pissed off…

In the new year, after Independence Day, I pledge to bring forward legislation to register dogging sites under the new Rural Affairs Act 2019 and to legislate for better protection for those in the dogging community and for those who practice the dogging lifestyle. As custodians of the environment, fecundating the land with your leaky seed, you need to be recognised as what you truly are. (And the ladies too, with their obliging ingresses.)

M. Go 

(Leaver by name and by naturism, but I’ll stick with you, like a tool stuck to a frozen gatepost! I remain, well, I don’t actually, yours, etc..)